What Happened??

When Tragedy Strikes: Be the Friend Who Truly Helps.

I still remember the day my friend's world turned upside down. I was her one of her first calls and honored to be by her side to work through the aftermath. Her and her family had just faced a devastating loss, and while we were drowning in grief, the phone calls and messages started pouring in. Every single one of them began with the same question: "What happened?" Each time, I felt like I was being dragged back to that moment of pain, forced to relive the trauma repeatedly. I took on the role of Momma bear to shield her from this intense energy as it was draining and not helpful at all. 

As a Coach, and someone who’s been on both sides of tragedy, I’ve learned how this well-intentioned inquiry can add to the emotional burden rather than alleviate it.

Why Asking "What Happened?" Is Unhelpful 

When tragedy strikes, the person affected is already overwhelmed. They’re trying to process their emotions, manage immediate concerns, and possibly deal with physical or logistical issues. Asking them to recount the event forces them to relive the trauma, potentially exacerbating their distress. It shifts the focus from supporting them to satisfying our own need for information. Instead of moving forward, they are anchored to that moment of pain. Imagine being in their shoes—each retelling is like reopening a wound that is already struggling to heal.

The Impact of Gossip 

We all know how gossip can be incredibly damaging, especially during a crisis. When people start discussing the details of a tragedy without the affected person's consent, it can lead to misinformation, increased stress, and a sense of betrayal. Gossip turns someone's personal pain into a public spectacle, stripping away their privacy and dignity. 

I remember when my daughter had a terrible car accident with 4 other kids in the car, within hours, our social circles were buzzing with half-truths and exaggerated stories. Instead of finding support, we felt invaded and isolated. That and other personal tragic experiences made me realize the importance of respecting privacy and being a true confidant.

The Power of Compassion 

Compassion isn’t about knowing all the details; it’s about being there in meaningful ways. Compassion is meant to be selfless. It’s about showing empathy and understanding without demanding explanations. By focusing on what your friend, family or coworker needs, rather than your own curiosity, you become a true source of support and comfort.

What to Do Instead 

1. Offer Support: Simple phrases like "I'm here for you," "What do you need right now?" or "How can I help?" show that you’re ready to support them in whatever way they need. 
2. Be Present: Sometimes, your presence alone can be comforting. Offer a listening ear without pressing for details. Let them share at their own pace. 
3. Provide Practical Help: Whether it’s cooking a meal, taking care of household chores, or just sitting with them, practical support can ease their burden. 
4. Respect Their Privacy: Understand that they may not be ready or willing to share everything. Give them space and let them lead the conversation. 
5. Follow Up: Check in regularly, not just immediately after the tragedy. Grief and recovery take time, and ongoing support is crucial.

Personal Reflections 

Recent events in my life have sparked the relentless inquiries about "what happened"  make it feel like a never-ending  and even hostile interrogation. What truly helped were the friends who showed up with a hot tea, a warm hug, or a simple text saying they were thinking of me. They didn’t need the details to offer their support; their actions spoke volumes. 

It's during these moments that I realized the profound impact of being present and compassionate without prying. These friends weren’t there to satisfy their curiosity but to genuinely help me through a tough time. This approach not only strengthened our bond but also provided the emotional and practical support we desperately needed. 

So, remember, the goal is to uplift and assist, not to satisfy our own need for information. In moments of crisis, let’s strive to be the kind of friends who offer solace and strength, helping our loved ones navigate their toughest times with a little more ease. 

Love light & prosperity, 

Jenn Maher 

Soulful Prosperity Coach