Have you ever wondered why we are often meanest to the people we like or love the most? This is a question I have been pondering for some time now. I have sometimes said hurtful things to my family, friends, and coworkers. I often use humor at other people's expense.
It’s possible that this behavior has something to do with our expectations of those closest to us, or it could be rooted in something more profound. Let’s look at what drives this behavior and how we, as leaders, can create an environment where everyone feels appreciated and valued.
It is possible that when we are meanest towards those closest to us, it is because they are the ones who know us best and understand our needs better than anyone else. This may lead us to set higher expectations of them than we would of someone less familiar with us. When these expectations aren’t met, we may feel let down or disappointed, leading us to act out in anger or frustration. By recognizing this pattern, leaders can work on setting realistic expectations by having open conversations about what is expected from each person and ensuring there is plenty of room for open dialogue regarding any issues. I get angry when I am hurt, so I struggle with this. However, since I have been shedding light on this behavior and am committed to having direct conversations when I feel hurt or slighted, I have noticed a significant change for the better.
Another factor that could explain why we are meaner towards those closest to us is that these relationships are longer-term and more complex than others. This complexity can lead to resentment or even jealousy if one person feels they are not receiving as much attention or respect as they want from their partner or friend. Leaders can help alleviate such issues by creating an environment where everyone feels safe enough to express their emotions without worrying about judgment or criticism. Additionally, leaders should make sure everyone has the opportunity to contribute equally for everyone’s voice to be heard. I now recognize this reaction as a fear of being replaced or rejected. So, I am now honest about my feelings instead of snapping at the other person.
It could also be that our meanness towards those closest to us stems from an underlying issue with our self-worth. If we don’t feel good about ourselves, it becomes easier for us to lash out at those around us instead of taking responsibility for our actions and feelings. Therefore, leaders should strive to create a workplace culture where everyone feels valued and respected regardless of their position within the company hierarchy. Furthermore, leaders must encourage those around them to recognize their own value and worth to better understand how they fit into the larger organizational structure and how they can contribute their talents and skillset positively. I have also learned that typically when I am judging someone else, it is more of a reflection of myself. Either something about myself I do not like, something I wish I was more like, or I want to be doing too.
Understanding why we are meanest towards those closest to us can help leaders create a more positive work and home environment where everyone feels appreciated and respected regardless of their role by setting realistic expectations and encouraging open dialogue between team members, friends, and family. By fostering an atmosphere where everyone recognizes their value, leaders can ensure that no one gets left behind in pursuit of success.
I still have a ton of work to do on this topic, but I am grateful for the growth I have seen by shedding truth and light on this character flaw of mine.
Your guide to personal and professional transformation,
Jenn Maher
Business Coach & Life Force Strategist
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